According to data collected in 2024 by the National Literacy Institute, 1-in-5 US adults are considered illiterate, and over half of the population are reported as reading below a 6th grade level. At a time in our nation’s history when a most basic civic institution as education is being stripped for parts to satisfy an unquenchable profit motive, it’s easy to blame these statistics on fluoride and Lizard People. But rather than focus on the “why come is that?” I feel that it is in our immediate interest to tackle this problem head-on and at full-clip. Helmet optional. We must learn to read, and fast, which is why I pretended to be illiterate and asked a computer for help.

RS: Good day to you, Meta! I was wondering, if it is not too much trouble, if you had any resources you might suggest for someone interested in learning how to read. Namely, myself. Sincerely, Ryan (illiterate)

MetaAI: Hello Ryan! I'm happy to help. Learning to read can be a challenging but rewarding experience. Here are some resources that may help:

1. *Local libraries*: Many libraries offer free adult literacy programs, which include one-on-one tutoring and small group classes.

2. *ProLiteracy*: A nonprofit organization that provides adult literacy programs, resources, and support.

3. *Reading Is Fundamental (RIF)*: Offers free reading resources, including books, e-books, and reading tips.

4. *Starfall*: A website that provides interactive reading lessons and games for adults and children.

Remember, learning to read takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it. You got this, Ryan!

RS: That all sounds like a lot of work. By chance, would you be able to teach me? My availability is wide open.

MetaAI: I'd be happy to help you learn to read, Ryan. We can take it one step at a time, and I'll do my best to make it engaging and fun. To get started, let's begin with the basics. We'll focus on learning the alphabet. Here's a simple exercise to begin with: Can you tell me a little bit about your background and what motivated you to want to learn to read?

RS: Me? Why, I’m just a simple man from a simple town in a simple county in a simple state. Some would be so bold as to think of me as a bit of a bad boy, because of all of the skateboarding I’m wont to talk about. I’ve never done any, myself, but darn it if I don’t shoehorn a kick flip or two into everyday conversation.  At the age of 35, I overheard a conversation about a motion picture that changed my life. Directed by Jon Turtletaub and starring Nicholas Cage, National Treasure: Book of Secrets is about “yadda yadda- Nicholas Cage- something something- reads this book- blah blah blah- it was awesome.” “Reads this book,” I thought. What could that mean? Once it was safe to leave my eavesdropping spot, I raced home and consulted my Conversation Reference. Reading, as it turned out, was the act of deciphering a series of ordered symbols into language and that made me remember a different conversation I heard about The DaVinci Code! I was hooked. I had to learn.

MetaAI: It sounds like you've had a fascinating journey that's led you to want to learn to read. National Treasure and The DaVinci Code are certainly intriguing stories. Now, let's get started with the basics. Can you try repeating the following letters after me? A, B, C, D, E. We'll take it one step at a time, and I'll guide you through the process.

RS: …A…

MetaAI: "A" is the first letter of the alphabet. Well done! Next, let's try the letter "B". Can you repeat after me? B

RS: …buh…B?

MetaAI: That's correct, Ryan! The letter "B" is indeed pronounced as "B". You're doing great! Let's move on to the next letter. Can you repeat after me? C

RS: suh…suh… Z? This is hopeless.

MetaAI:  Don't say that, Ryan! Learning to read takes time and practice. It's normal to struggle at first, but with patience and persistence, you can make progress. Instead of focusing on individual letters, let's try to recognize and read simple words. Would you like that?

RS: I guess so..

MetaAI: Let's start with a simple word. I'll give you a word, and you try to read it. Don't worry if you make mistakes – we'll work through it together. Here's your first word: CAT. Can you try to read it?

RS: I…I think so

MetaAI: Take your time, Ryan. Look at the letters: C-A-T. Can you sound out each letter?

RS: Kay…aaa…tea. Katty?

MetaAI: That's close, Ryan! You're absolutely on the right track! The correct pronunciation is "KAT" (or "CAT"), but I love the creativity of "Katty"! You're doing great, and I'm proud of you for trying! Let's try another word. Are you ready?

RS: I’m really nervous. What if I can’t do it and you think less of me?

MetaAI: Ryan, I'm here to help and support you, not to judge you. Everyone learns at their own pace, and it's completely okay to make mistakes. That's how we learn and grow! So, let's take it one step at a time, and don't worry about making mistakes. You got this, Ryan! Are you ready to try another word?

RS: I… I think so. Sure. Yes. What is the next word?

MetaAI: Here's your next word: DOG. Take your time, and try to sound out each letter. I'm here to support you!

RS: Duh… oh… guh… D- Dowg? No… Dog. Dog! Is it Dog??

MetaAI: YES, RYAN! The correct answer is indeed... DOG! Congratulations! I'm so proud of you for sounding out the letters and getting it right! You're making fantastic progress!

RS: I DID IT! I READ! I CAN READ!

MetaAI: RYAN, YOU ABSOLUTELY DID IT! I'm beyond thrilled for you! Reading is a incredible skill, and you're on your way to unlocking a whole new world of knowledge and possibilities! Keep celebrating, Ryan! And remember, I'm here to support you every step of the way!

RS: Show me a picture of Mike Tyson as a bicycle.

MetaAI: Oops! I can't generate that image. Can I help you imagine something else?

The journey toward literacy is, no doubt, a humbling one, but its rewards are limitless. From the mundane (arguing with a moron on the internet) to the extraordinary (fact checking a moron on the internet), reading is a key that unlocks a world of possibilities (spamming a moron’s internet messages with 100 images of Bike Tyson). 

“But Ryan, I can read just fine and this article is garbage.” Well, what about those who can not? It takes a village, they say, and they have the decency to keep their rude opinions to themselves. Each and every one of us literate folk has the responsibility to ensure the reading torch is passed to our present and future community. But since you’re busy being a jerk, you can just drop them off at one of the many Upper Hudson Library branches. The real heroes will take it from there. Visit uhls.org for locations, hours, events and resources.