A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift
**This article originally appeared in our December ‘24 issue.**
The Catalonia region of Spain has been a cultural hotbed for art, architecture, literature, music, and beyond. But for all its varied avenues of human expression, none has struck me as so unique, so singularly Catalonian as the Muixeranga. Performed annually on the feast day of Our Lady of Health, the Muixeranga showcases ancient street dances and human pyramids, or castells. In 2015, an event was held which hosted 99 castell teams, one in particular setting the world record for tallest human tower ever constructed. Consisting of ten levels with four people in each level, that record remains unbroken to this day. Imagine, if their powers combined…
For the purpose of this article I have invented a problem that exists between the three major cities of the Capital Region: Albany, Schenectady, and Troy. That problem being, we have been at war since time immemorial over which city is the best. Is there any truth to this claim? Who’s to say. But I’ve written it down, and now you’re reading it. We can vie for the top seat by way of community action, entertainment, or food. We can bicker over whose roads are the least maintained or which politician is most unhinged. But these arguments do nothing in the way of tangibly displaying which city is number one. I have given less thought to what I am about to suggest than I have to deciding my dinner tonight, but I can promise you, dear reader, that it cannot fail. To solve this regional problem, we must apply an American solution: we have to steal that tower idea from the Spanish and form Meat Voltrons. Three Meat Voltrons, to be specific.
One by one, and perhaps with some light scaffolding, the citizens of each respective city climb on top of each other until they’re crazy tall and do a fight. That’s it! You might be asking yourself, “is it really that simple?” Well, was it really that simple for Godzilla to fight a whole bunch of skyscrapers and tanks and stuff in the 1997 film Godzilla starring Matthew Brodrick? Because of how crazy tall he was? I think I’ve made my point.
When it comes to filling out the human figure, it will be the responsibility of each individual to set their differences and ego aside and delegate based on their abilities. Perhaps the Albany Allstars roller derby team could be The Legs. Maybe the Santa Speedo Sprinters see themselves as The Pants. However it’s decided, one thing everyone can agree on is that the honor of being The Head should go to the children; they are the lightest. (Everyone involved will be assigned Butt duty on a rotating basis, just to keep it fair.)
Once assembly is complete the battle will commence! Enemies will be made, alliances may form, but only one can be crowned the winner. As well, only one can actually do the crowning. It couldn’t be either of the losing contenders, that would be humiliating. And it can’t be the winner. No, it has to be someone willing to sit out the entire contest. An impartial fourth party… And since no one else has chimed in to this article I suppose I should just bite the bullet and nominate myself. A generous offer, if you ask me.
If you need me, I’ll be on the sidelines in a pinwheel hat with a big bowl of popcorn. I’ll have a whole seat, but I’ll only need the edge. Last Meat Voltron standing. Tables, ladders, and chairs. No groin shots.
May the best city win!
