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**This article originally appeared in our February ‘25 issue.**
In the late hours January 8th, 2025 local alleged comedy writer Ryan Shanahan scrolled countless TikTok videos and Instagram posts in a bizarre attempt to cure his writer’s block. Exhausted from irresponsible holiday grazing and a post-vacation nap deficit, the two-time Metroland contributor found focus on his latest piece in short supply.
From the window of his Troy apartment, dozens gathered in vigil and support hoping their presence would inspire Mr. Shanahan to follow through on the one thing he had to do. Some came prepared with handwritten banners that included premises such as “Election Fraud, But The Election Is For Nicest Hat!” and “Bean Is A Funny Word. Maybe That Could Be Something!”
“He’s tried everything!”, cried one onlooker while a video featuring a duck in a little sweater played on loop.
Sources close to the writer claim that following a quick skim of a Wikipedia article on the subject of writer’s block, Shanahan did three to four minutes of a yoga of his own design before returning to his phone to find the right music to induce a “flow state”. The aforementioned endeavor lasted fifteen minutes, a recommended duration for mindfulness meditation practice, with periodic breaks to log into a chess app, a game he is not proficient at.
Days turned to a week, and by the end of that week some more days were added on top of that, and by then it was January 15th. With February’s Metroland deadline approaching it seemed certain that his creative dry spell would never end. Staring blankly into the middle distance his fingers, in an instant, began typing. The remaining single dozen, weary from lack of sleep and nutrition leaped to their feet and crowded the first floor window, breathless with anticipation. Could this be the sign they had hoped for?
“I hadn’t eaten or gone to the bathroom in days.” said local horse pediatrician Dr. Hotdog. “All of a sudden I heard this clicking sound. I thought ‘nuh uh’ but sure enough, it was ‘yeah huh!’ He was writing! I tried to call my wife, but she was a figment of my imagination so she just floated there without saying anything. I have a lot of trauma.”
Alejandra Vidal Guerrero traveled to Troy from Barcelona to be in attendance at the Shanahan residence. “My name is Alejandra Vidal Guerrero and I am 28 years old.” said Ms. Guerrero. “I am from Barcelona. I like to drink juice. My favorite color is red. Merry Christmas! Where is the library?”
After several hours of high activity Ryan stopped typing. From outside he could hear for the first time since he began, a growing murmur. The crowd pressed closer to the window. He picked up his laptop and stood and began walking to the window. Their excitement now had reached a fever pitch. There were hollers. Many cheered. Some stood on their children’s shoulders for a better view. Now was the moment they had waited, it felt, an eternity for. Slowly, he turned the laptop to face them.
“It’s called RollerCoaster Tycoon 2!” shouted Ryan. “See here? They have a thing where you can design your own ride!” A mile-long celtic knot of digital steel glowed on the screen before them. “I called it ‘The Hell Ride’! With an excitement rating of 1.2 and a nausea rating of 19 it’s the most unpleasant roller coaster in the whole game!” His explanation was then cut short by the sound of breaking glass.
If you have any information on the whereabouts of Ryan Shanahan, please keep it to yourself.
